It’s an all too familiar story: a couple meets, falls in love, gets married, the honeymoon period ends, and then a set troubling thoughts and emotions start popping up. Suddenly, both partners might start behaving differently as they struggle to adjust. Where did these emotions come from? Why do we feel this way? What happened to us? Why are we acting this way with one another? This can go on for years and with varying degrees of relational distress.
Attachment theory provides us with a key to understanding this familiar story. As we get closer to our partners, they begin to (often unintentionally) evoke our raw spots or wounds. When this happens, our brain tries to protect us from further pain by pushing us into a survival stance with our partner. Unfortunately, this tends to evoke their raw spots and away we go, lost in a cycle of mutual pain and self protection. Escaping this cycle together is part of the “surgery” for our hearts. Marriage is the place where we learn to bear our pain together. If we can learn to share our raw spots and respond to each other with tenderness, we can shrink those wounds and heal together. Feeling loved in the place where we feel the most vulnerable is a powerful healing agent.
As we heal, our capacity to love expands and suddenly, new possibilities emerge in all our relationships (God, children, family, friends). This is the gift of marriage. It may be painful at times, but it can also change us for the better.
* The information provided is for self-enrichment and not intended to replace any necessary mental health treatment.
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Warmly,
Jonathan Dixon, LMFT
Alpha Omega Team
